As I came here to write some thoughts down today, I found myself reading my old entries from 5 1/2 years ago and seeing a lot of the same issues, in similar forms, to what I am dealing with today. I can see some progress from what I wrote then, but I can see also see where the old "one step forward, two steps back" has been still haunting me. I hope I can make some advancements that will stick this time. Meanwhile, here is the newest entry.
For a person who has been battling depression for nearly a year, major depression for at least 6 months and suicidal ideas for the last 2, constantly being told that everything they do is wrong, all of their ideas are jokes, and everyone else is always right is not much fun to live with.
To someone struggling to rebound and survive ongoing abuse, in more than one form, being called a disgrace, a waste of space, a failure at anything or everything that ever mattered to them and disgusting, especially in front of peers and those they respect or feel responsible for, is a very traumatizing thing to endure.
A person who has had their self-esteem, confidence and self-worth destroyed, either bit-by-bit or in large chunks, just loves to be told that they have "shit" for brains and is incapable of being a decent human being. They absolutely (do not) adore being told that they are trash and deserve whatever hate and abuse is heaped on them by anyone who feels like it. It makes them (not) want to try so hard to do anything at all the next time and (not) keep fighting to find where they belong. (Brackets only inserted for those who are not big on sarcasm).
When a person spends hours on a project that they enjoy and is so proud of the accomplishment, not only of the end product, but of the achievement of finishing it, all it takes is one person to say, "No, you did it all wrong, let me do it," and then proceed to change everything about it to destroy any sense of accomplishment or achievement. All it takes is one, "Let me change this one little thing," to make everything unrecognizable and once again destroy that sense of achievement. It takes just one, "What were thinking? You can't do it like that!" to destroy any sense of pride in one's work. A troubled person has a very hard time being motivated to bother trying at all if they are going to get just negativity for their efforts.
It is said that failure is a learning experience. You learn from your mistakes and you move on to try again. But there has to be hope that somehow, sometime, it won't be a failure anymore; that at some point, there will be success. Without that hope, something a depressed person often lacks, it seems that success is an abstract thing that will never happen, so why keep beating a dead horse by continuing to try?
The worst feeling is when you finally bring yourself to a point where you come out and admit your shortcomings and ask for help, knowing that someone is going to take advantage, just to have your worst fears (and strongest beliefs) confirmed when no one responds, or worse yet, walk away or tell you no, that you don't deserve it. You get told over and over again to not be afraid to ask, but when you do and you get the worst kind of response - you're not in a hurry to ever do it again. It compounds the already overwhelming feelings of loneliness and makes you wonder just who will be there when you need someone for the really big things. That's when you wonder, "What If?"
What if I wasn't even here? Would life go on? Would anyone even notice or care? Would I be missed? Would things actually be better without me since I can't get it right anyway? And we've cycled back to the beginning....
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