Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

And the patience to work through the obstacles,

the strength to keep going when it gets rough,

the confidence to know I can do it,

the hope to know that there is a way,

the faith to believe that You will always be by my side,

and the determination to see it through.

Amen

There are so many times that I've wondered why I bother. I can't seem to get to where I want to go. There are so many obstacles and it is so hard! I've wanted to say forget it and just give up so many, many times.

The obstacles seem insurmountable sometimes. I know that they are meant as a test of my determination and my faith, but they are so big! 

First, there is my self-doubt. I have to wonder if I even believe I can do it. Self-confidence is so hard to build, especially when I've shut out the people who might be able to help. Can I do this? Can I do this alone? I know I have to, but I sometimes doubt that I can.

Second is the reason I've shut so many people out in the first place - the negativity. The more you hear how wrong you are and how much of a failure you are, the more you have to start to wonder who's right, them or you?

Hence, the growing self-doubt and the isolation. It is so hard to open yourself up to that, so you just keep shutting them out. Which just makes it even harder to fix the confidence problem. And it fosters the self-doubt and makes it grow, since you're left wondering if you made the right decision, if it made things better or worse. What are they saying now that you can't hear it anymore?

Third, the job just seems so big and sometimes I just don't know how to do it. I know they say to sit down and break it down into manageable chunks, but even that seems like a big task. I tried one day to make a list of all the things I needed to do, broken down into smaller steps. It was over 4 pages long, and just made it seem even bigger and harder. People think it is so easy to judge my life and think it should be so easy. If only! Maybe I just need to get in the right mindset, but it doesn't seem quite as easy as they tell me it should be. Maybe I'm just looking at it wrong, but how do I change that feeling of being overwhelmed?

So, I am going to just keep on trying. If I fall down or get knocked back, I am going to try to get moving forward again, even if the journey is slower than it feels it should be. I am going to just have to figure it out as I go along. I feel so overwhelmed, but as long as I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, I should be able to look back and see that I have moved. And that will have to be enough to give me the courage to take the next step. Eventually, that view behind me will change, a little at a time, until I can see that I have come pretty far. One step at a time.