As I've spent the last few days thinking over my journal entries and the goals I want to establish, some very disturbing issues have come to light.
1) I get distracted waaayyyy too easily. It's no wonder things don't get done, even with the best of intentions and a list. I get started on something, wander off to do a part of it, and then end up doing 3 other things and forgetting what it was I had started. Lots of jobs started, but none completely finished. Problem #1: Distraction. Solution: Focus! Make a list and keep checking it. Stay on task until it is finished, then check it off and move on.
2) My brain is like the Energizer Bunny, it just keeps going and going, around and around in all these circles. I get a thought in my head of what I want to do, great, but it just keeps going around my brain and doesn't work it's way out to action. It just gets stuck in an endless loop. Somehow, I need to break the loop and translate those thoughts into action. Much harder than it sounds.
Problem #2: Overthinking. Solution: When thoughts get stuck in the brain and won't let go, write them down. It should help get those that worthwhile clarified and let the rest go. If a thought is worthwhile, I've taken the first step to doing something about it. If it's not, or it's something irrelevant, it's been acknowledged and can be let go.
3) Going back to the first issue, besides distraction, there is a the big element of follow-through that is seriously lacking. Somehow, I get something started, but I have a very hard time with the follow through. Some is distraction, some is memory, some is just plain not wanting to do it, some is laziness, the list goes on. This seems to be a very challenging aspect for me. I start so many projects with the best of intentions, only to not finish them and then get frustrated, or lose interest and let it slide. It is hurting a lot of areas of my life and is a serious issue.
Problem #3: Follow-through. Solution: Take a good hard look at what is started, what is planned and what is expected. Make a list of notes on each topic. What is the obstacle stopping me from following through? How can I defeat the obstacle? Figure out what is a valid reason and find a way to fix it and what is just an excuse that is easy to use and put it to rest. Get the job done, then move on to the next one. It will feel nice just to have it finally finished and not hanging over my head haunting me anymore!
4) Reasons and excuses. I tend to justify the latter by pretending to myself and to others that they are the former. It's high time I took a good hard look at the "reasons" I've been using for not doing things and stop justifying the ones that really are excuses. Sure, there are some valid reasons for something not getting accomplished, but, and it's a big but, I have to stop and figure out what is really which. Is it a valid reason, or am I just pretending it is to avoid something?
Problem #4: Excuses. Solution: Enough is enough! Figure out what is valid and what is an excuse and stop using them as obstacles and turn them around. I have a strong feeling that way more could get done if I stop using excuses that are not valid or stop and realize that most can be overcome and just do it.
5) I have come to realize that I have a big problem with avoidance. If I don't like it or don't want to do it, I will find a "reason" to just not do it. I don't want to do it today, so I just won't. I will do something else. After all, I am an adult and I can do what I want to do, right? If I don't want to do it, I don't have to. But what kind of example am I setting? We all have to do things we don't necessarily want to or like to do. We can't all have it so that we only have to do the "nice" things. You only get out of something what you put in, right? It comes down to responsibility. Being an adult and being able to choose also means I have a responsibility to myself and others to what needs to be done, like it or not.
Problem #5: Avoidance. Solution: Just do it. Get it done and over with, and then step back and enjoy the feeling of accomplishment. The sooner I get it started, the sooner I can get it finished and move on to the better things.
6) How many times have I faced a challenge and not been able to figure out where to start because it seems so big, so overwhelming? How many times have I not started something because it looked too big to deal with right now? How many times have I put something off because there is something easier to do? I feel overwhelmed about a lot of things. Tasks and decisions seem so huge and so scary that I put off doing anything because of it. I will get to it later when I have more time. I will start it tomorrow because there is something smaller to do today. I will.... but I never do because I just can't face the sheer size of it. It's too much. I'm too sick. I'm so tired. Excuses, or fear? Often, I feel like I'm drowning in the size of a task and don't know how to pull myself out and get started. This is especially true when it comes to my research for finding out which goals I need to set and how I need to work on them. This is important in my house especially, where standard methods may not work. I need to find new ways to do things, and the answers are out there, but the thought of trying to sift through all that's out there to find it and then figure out how to do it? It has been a big issue, especially for me.
Problem #6: Overwhelmed. Solution: Take a deep breath. Relax. Take a step back and look at the challenge. Is there a way to break it down and make it into smaller steps? Do one step at a time, but don't stop there. Come back tomorrow and do another step. Eventually, those little steps will pay off and the big task will be finished and the sense of accomplishment will be all the more rewarding because I didn't think I could do it, but I did!
7) Probably the biggest one that has come to my mind lately and the one that boggles me the most is the fear of failure, fear of rejection and lack of confidence. This has been probably one of the biggest issues of my whole life. I've been told so many times that I am wrong, I am worthless, I am useless, I am lazy, I am irresponsible, I don't know what I'm talking about, nobody cares about my opinion, I don't matter, I don't belong, you can't do it this way, I don't deserve..... it gets to you, whether you want to admit it or not. It probably is the reason why I don't think I can accomplish what I want to - I won't be able to do it, I won't do it right, who cares, why does it matter anyway? That it makes the other problems all the more powerful and gives the negativity full reign over me is just so wrong, but I can't help it. I know that I should be better than that and that I should believe in myself, but it is so easy to say that you want something and then not follow through because you don't think you can do it or you don't think you deserve to get it. What if they were all right and I can't? What if they were all right and I am just stupid and lazy and don't deserve better? What if I do all that work and it doesn't pay off in the end? It's happened. I have had it happen. How many times have I accomplished something I set out to do, only to stop and do nothing else with it once I have it or lose it all because I didn't feel like I deserved it? Fear is so powerful. It permeates you, even when you don't realize it. It colours every decision whether you know it or not. It makes it easier to succumb to all the other things, like the procrastination, like the laziness, like looking for the easy way, like making excuses.
I like to tell people that I have an internal locus of self-esteem. I get my feeling of worth and confidence from inside myself. Other people aren't going to affect me. How much of that is reality and how much is me trying to convince myself because it's what I want? I am finding out more and more that other people influence my sense of self-worth way more than I like to admit. I think it goes back to that fear of rejection and fear of failure. I don't want to feel like a failure because someone else says I am, but how else do you measure success or failure? Sometimes having someone else look in from the outside and weigh in is the only way to know for sure if something is done right. I like to think I don't mind opinions, but criticism and negativity bother me way more than I like. Maybe I'm not so internal. Other people's opinions have a much bigger effect than they probably should. Once I feel a sense of failure or negativity or criticism from outside, it does get to me and I tend to internalize a lot of doubt, a lot of defeat and a lot of very depressed thoughts and feelings. Self doubt is horrible! It hurts so much and it is so hard to overcome without a positive support person on the outside to help work through it and restore self-esteem and confidence. Sometimes you need to be told, "Yes, you can do it! I believe in you, so there's no reason why you can't believe in you, too." When all you hear is, "No, you can't do anything right. You can't do it, you don't deserve it...", you really feel hopeless and start doubting yourself at some point and thinking that because they're saying it so much, it must be true, even if you thought you were doing fine yourself. Trying to please every other person is impossible. Trying to please yourself is hard.
It also makes it quite difficult to put yourself out there in order to find that positive support person you need so much. If you are so afraid of being rejected and being labeled a failure, you aren't really going to want to set out to face it intentionally in order to find that one person that won't do it. If you're lucky, that person comes to you, but there's a very good chance it won't happen that way. You have to open up to find what's out there, the good and the bad. It is so much easier to hide away and not face the world, but so much more hurtful. You lose so much in the process.
Problem #7: Fear. Solution: Find a positive support and get some self-affirmation going. Find something you know you're good at it and hold on to it with everything you have when you get bombarded with a sense of failure. I am good at something and I will learn how to do this, too! It's not going to solve itself. It is going to require facing the fears, facing the doubts and making some changes to counter them. It is going to be hard, but it is going to be the best thing I can do for me.
It is going to be very difficult to undo what I have done in the name of self-protection. I let my fears and my limitations get to me. I have let other people that don't understand me get to me. I forgot to let God help me. I keep asking for His help, but I keep shutting even Him out when He tries to answer. The hardest thing I have ever had to face is putting myself back out there to face the hurt and rejection in order to find the support. It is HARD! Unfortunately, I cannot keep hiding away and avoiding things and people or putting things off because I am scared. I have to face it and do it. However, I can do it one baby step at a time. I don't have to be overwhelmed by trying to do it all at once without knowing what it is I have to do. It is time to start evaluating and prioritizing, then start making the steps and focusing on them. Finish the first one, move on to the second, repeat as necessary (some just don't go away if you do them once! You have to do them again.) Just don't stop and don't go back. Keep moving, even if it is only one step at a time. All journeys start with one first step, right?
