Basic Instinct

There are few things that tie all animals together, regardless of species or subspecies. One of the most basic is the innate need to belong to someone. Very few members of the animal kingdom are content to be solitary beings. Some need to belong to a group, and we even have names for those... herd, flock, litter, pack, family, etc. 

Humans are animals, so guess what? They have a need to belong to someone, too. Whether we call this family, friends or something else, we have this basic need to belong to a group and feel like we should be there. We want to be included. We need to feel loved and wanted.

What happens when we don't? It has already been established that we are not meant to be solitary beings. Although, there is a distinct difference between alone and lonely, they often feel very similar. One can be alone and not be lonely - but this is usually only true in temporary situations. Alone is not meant to be permanent. One can also be lonely and not be alone. It comes from missing out on that sense of "belonging". There are words for it, like "wallflower" and "outsider".  Most people who feel like that lonely outsider would give just about anything to gain that feeling of belonging. But how do you gain that feeling?

It is one thing that cannot be gained by the person who needs it the most. It has to be given freely by someone else. If not, that feeling is tainted and cannot be trusted to be real. A person can try to belong and can reach out all they want to find a connection, but it is only real if the other side reaches back. It cannot be one way and be real.

So, if it is a basic instinct and it cannot be gained..... how does a person make that connection happen?

Broken Pieces and a Broken Road

Sometimes it feels to me like I am something that has been broken apart and I am trying my hardest to put the millions of little pieces back together the way they belong. Problem is, there is no picture to follow, the edges are rough instead of straight and tidy and the colours kind of blend together. There is nothing solid to use to guide the placement of the pieces. Some people would be ecstatic - just put the pieces wherever you want and make something totally new! However, what if the pieces don't fit where you think they should go? What if there are some missing or damaged and you don't know it yet? It is only by painstakingly putting the pieces back together one by one that you start to see the shapes and outlines of the pictures. It is only by fleshing out sections and images that you start to see the patterns and where they belong in relation to each other. Sometimes they fit together smoothly, sometimes there are gaps, but you don't know how big the gaps are until you start to find the edges of them again and make them smaller, bit by bit.

There are some that complain it is taking too long. Shouldn't you know by now what the picture is supposed to look like? Shouldn't you have more done? You think you know the answers to their questions and their impatience, but that very next piece changes what you think you knew and you are left wondering again.

The other problem is that you are traveling over a broken road as you are trying to place these pieces back together. The journey is not smooth. Every time you manage to fit a piece into place, the bump in the road makes you pray that it didn't get knocked back out of place and you have to find it again. Sometimes, it stays put and you can move on to the next section; sometimes it moves and changes the image; sometimes it falls out altogether and you have to find it amongst all the other pieces still waiting their turn to find their place to belong.

Once in a while, another passenger will come along and offer to help. "Why don't you try this piece here?" they say. Sometimes it fits and the two of you find a couple more before the other person has to move on as part of their own journey. Sometimes, it doesn't fit and you are left frustrated and wondering what help the other person really was.

Then, there are those that either accidentally or deliberately disrupt the picture and damage your work. Sometimes, it is a good thing. It shifts things around and you find something you missed before. Sometimes, it destroys a section you worked so hard for! Was it meant to be? With the destruction, how do you know if it was the right picture or not? Maybe you made a mistake and the destruction will help you fix it, even if you didn't know it was wrong. Maybe it was right and the damage ruined the picture and you have to figure out how to make it work again.

It is said that the Japanese do not fix broken pottery as North Americans do. Americans will either throw the broken pieces away and decide whether to replace the original object and with what, or they will try to glue the pieces back together to never show the damage that was done. However, the Japanese will fit the pottery pieces back together and fill the cracks with gold lacquer. It is supposed to be a way of honouring the scars as part of the history of the object instead of hiding them, while making a unique piece. Broken roads are often repaired in the same manner until such time as they can be replaced. Even then, they often still go in the same direction, with the same curves and twists and stopping points as before, just a new surface that will eventually wear down as the old one did.

I think there is a lesson to be learned in that process. Is it necessary to fit all the pieces exactly how they were before so that there are no scars showing? Is it necessary to throw out the broken pieces and forget they existed, that they held meaning and even in the breaking, that they had a story and a lesson to share?

Or is it possible to put the pieces back together in a way that honours the past and still makes room for the complete object to have meaning in the future, too?

I am afraid that only effort and time can answer that question. How much effort and time are you willing to put in before the piece is finished or will you give up just before you finally see the result?

Coming back to the circle

As I came here to write some thoughts down today, I found myself reading my old entries from 5 1/2 years ago and seeing a lot of the same issues, in similar forms, to what I am dealing with today. I can see some progress from what I wrote then, but I can see also see where the old "one step forward, two steps back" has been still haunting me. I hope I can make some advancements that will stick this time. Meanwhile, here is the newest entry.

For a person who has been battling depression for nearly a year, major depression for at least 6 months and suicidal ideas for the last 2, constantly being told that everything they do is wrong, all of their ideas are jokes, and everyone else is always right is not much fun to live with.

To someone struggling to rebound and survive ongoing abuse, in more than one form, being called a disgrace, a waste of space, a failure at anything or everything that ever mattered to them and disgusting, especially in front of peers and those they respect or feel responsible for, is a very traumatizing thing to endure.

A person who has had their self-esteem, confidence and self-worth destroyed, either bit-by-bit or in large chunks, just loves to be told that they have "shit" for brains and is incapable of being a decent human being. They absolutely (do not) adore being told that they are trash and deserve whatever hate and abuse is heaped on them by anyone who feels like it. It makes them (not) want to try so hard to do anything at all the next time and (not) keep fighting to find where they belong. (Brackets only inserted for those who are not big on sarcasm).

When a person spends hours on a project that they enjoy and is so proud of the accomplishment, not only of the end product, but of the achievement of finishing it, all it takes is one person to say, "No, you did it all wrong, let me do it," and then proceed to change everything about it to destroy any sense of accomplishment or achievement. All it takes is one, "Let me change this one little thing," to make everything unrecognizable and once again destroy that sense of achievement. It takes just one, "What were thinking? You can't do it like that!" to destroy any sense of pride in one's work. A troubled person has a very hard time being motivated to bother trying at all if they are going to get just negativity for their efforts.

It is said that failure is a learning experience. You learn from your mistakes and you move on to try again. But there has to be hope that somehow, sometime, it won't be a failure anymore; that at some point, there will be success. Without that hope, something a depressed person often lacks, it seems that success is an abstract thing that will never happen, so why keep beating a dead horse by continuing to try?

The worst feeling is when you finally bring yourself to a point where you come out and admit your shortcomings and ask for help, knowing that someone is going to take advantage, just to have your worst fears (and strongest beliefs) confirmed when no one responds, or worse yet, walk away or tell you no, that you don't deserve it. You get told over and over again to not be afraid to ask, but when you do and you get the worst kind of response - you're not in a hurry to ever do it again. It compounds the already overwhelming feelings of loneliness and makes you wonder just who will be there when you need someone for the really big things. That's when you wonder, "What If?"

What if I wasn't even here? Would life go on? Would anyone even notice or care? Would I be missed? Would things actually be better without me since I can't get it right anyway? And we've cycled back to the beginning....

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

And the patience to work through the obstacles,

the strength to keep going when it gets rough,

the confidence to know I can do it,

the hope to know that there is a way,

the faith to believe that You will always be by my side,

and the determination to see it through.

Amen

There are so many times that I've wondered why I bother. I can't seem to get to where I want to go. There are so many obstacles and it is so hard! I've wanted to say forget it and just give up so many, many times.

The obstacles seem insurmountable sometimes. I know that they are meant as a test of my determination and my faith, but they are so big! 

First, there is my self-doubt. I have to wonder if I even believe I can do it. Self-confidence is so hard to build, especially when I've shut out the people who might be able to help. Can I do this? Can I do this alone? I know I have to, but I sometimes doubt that I can.

Second is the reason I've shut so many people out in the first place - the negativity. The more you hear how wrong you are and how much of a failure you are, the more you have to start to wonder who's right, them or you?

Hence, the growing self-doubt and the isolation. It is so hard to open yourself up to that, so you just keep shutting them out. Which just makes it even harder to fix the confidence problem. And it fosters the self-doubt and makes it grow, since you're left wondering if you made the right decision, if it made things better or worse. What are they saying now that you can't hear it anymore?

Third, the job just seems so big and sometimes I just don't know how to do it. I know they say to sit down and break it down into manageable chunks, but even that seems like a big task. I tried one day to make a list of all the things I needed to do, broken down into smaller steps. It was over 4 pages long, and just made it seem even bigger and harder. People think it is so easy to judge my life and think it should be so easy. If only! Maybe I just need to get in the right mindset, but it doesn't seem quite as easy as they tell me it should be. Maybe I'm just looking at it wrong, but how do I change that feeling of being overwhelmed?

So, I am going to just keep on trying. If I fall down or get knocked back, I am going to try to get moving forward again, even if the journey is slower than it feels it should be. I am going to just have to figure it out as I go along. I feel so overwhelmed, but as long as I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, I should be able to look back and see that I have moved. And that will have to be enough to give me the courage to take the next step. Eventually, that view behind me will change, a little at a time, until I can see that I have come pretty far. One step at a time.

Yahweh, I Know You Are Near

From a hymn I grew up singing... one I have always liked...
Yahweh, I know you are near,
Standing always at my side.
You guard me from the foe,
and you lead me in ways everlasting.


Dear Lord,

Please help guide my feet along this path You have chosen for me. I know that I am going to stumble and occasionally fall, and possibly even want to turn back, so please continue to walk beside me and guide me in the direction You want me to go. I appreciate those times You have carried me and those times You made me stand on my own two feet. I hope I have learned from those times and can take these next few steps with confidence and faith in You.

I want to follow this path You have shown me so that I may discover where it is You wish me to go and what You have in store for me as I go. Please continue to show me Your loving patience as I wander along this path.

Amen.

I Think I Can. Or Do I?

As I've spent the last few days thinking over my journal entries and the goals I want to establish, some very disturbing issues have come to light.

1) I get distracted waaayyyy too easily. It's no wonder things don't get done, even with the best of intentions and a list. I get started on something, wander off to do a part of it, and then end up doing 3 other things and forgetting what it was I had started. Lots of jobs started, but none completely finished.  Problem #1: Distraction. Solution: Focus! Make a list and keep checking it. Stay on task until it is finished, then check it off and move on.

2) My brain is like the Energizer Bunny, it just keeps going and going, around and around in all these circles. I get a thought in my head of what I want to do, great, but it just keeps going around my brain and doesn't work it's way out to action. It just gets stuck in an endless loop. Somehow, I need to break the loop and translate those thoughts into action. Much harder than it sounds.

Problem #2: Overthinking. Solution: When thoughts get stuck in the brain and won't let go, write them down. It should help get those that worthwhile clarified and let the rest go. If a thought is worthwhile, I've taken the first step to doing something about it. If it's not, or it's something irrelevant, it's been acknowledged and can be let go.

3) Going back to the first issue, besides distraction, there is a the big element of follow-through that is seriously lacking. Somehow, I get something started, but I have a very hard time with the follow through. Some is distraction, some is memory, some is just plain not wanting to do it, some is laziness, the list goes on. This seems to be a very challenging aspect for me. I start so many projects with the best of intentions, only to not finish them and then get frustrated, or lose interest and let it slide. It is hurting a lot of areas of my life and is a serious issue.

Problem #3: Follow-through. Solution: Take a good hard look at what is started, what is planned and what is expected. Make a list of notes on each topic. What is the obstacle stopping me from following through? How can I defeat the obstacle? Figure out what is a valid reason and find a way to fix it and what is just an excuse that is easy to use and put it to rest. Get the job done, then move on to the next one. It will feel nice just to have it finally finished and not hanging over my head haunting me anymore!

4) Reasons and excuses. I tend to justify the latter by pretending to myself and to others that they are the former. It's high time I took a good hard look at the "reasons" I've been using for not doing things and stop justifying the ones that really are excuses. Sure, there are some valid reasons for something not getting accomplished, but, and it's a big but, I have to stop and figure out what is really which. Is it a valid reason, or am I just pretending it is to avoid something?

Problem #4: Excuses. Solution: Enough is enough! Figure out what is valid and what is an excuse and stop using them as obstacles and turn them around. I have a strong feeling that way more could get done if I stop using excuses that are not valid or stop and realize that most can be overcome and just do it.

5) I have come to realize that I have a big problem with avoidance. If I don't like it or don't want to do it, I will find a "reason" to just not do it. I don't want to do it today, so I just won't. I will do something else. After all, I am an adult and I can do what I want to do, right? If I don't want to do it, I don't have to. But what kind of example am I setting? We all have to do things we don't necessarily want to or like to do. We can't all have it so that we only have to do the "nice" things. You only get out of something what you put in, right? It comes down to responsibility. Being an adult and being able to choose also means I have a responsibility to myself and others to what needs to be done, like it or not.

Problem #5: Avoidance. Solution: Just do it. Get it done and over with, and then step back and enjoy the feeling of accomplishment. The sooner I get it started, the sooner I can get it finished and move on to the better things.

6) How many times have I faced a challenge and not been able to figure out where to start because it seems so big, so overwhelming? How many times have I not started something because it looked too big to deal with right now? How many times have I put something off because there is something easier to do? I feel overwhelmed about a lot of things. Tasks and decisions seem so huge and so scary that I put off doing anything because of it. I will get to it later when I have more time. I will start it tomorrow because there is something smaller to do today. I will.... but I never do because I just can't face the sheer size of it. It's too much. I'm too sick. I'm so tired. Excuses, or fear? Often, I feel like I'm drowning in the size of a task and don't know how to pull myself out and get started. This is especially true when it comes to my research for finding out which goals I need to set and how I need to work on them. This is important in my house especially, where standard methods may not work. I need to find new ways to do things, and the answers are out there, but the thought of trying to sift through all that's out there to find it and then figure out how to do it? It has been a big issue, especially for me.

Problem #6: Overwhelmed. Solution: Take a deep breath. Relax. Take a step back and look at the challenge. Is there a way to break it down and make it into smaller steps? Do one step at a time, but don't stop there. Come back tomorrow and do another step. Eventually, those little steps will pay off and the big task will be finished and the sense of accomplishment will be all the more rewarding because I didn't think I could do it, but I did!

7) Probably the biggest one that has come to my mind lately and the one that boggles me the most is the fear of failure, fear of rejection and lack of confidence. This has been probably one of the biggest issues of my whole life. I've been told so many times that I am wrong, I am worthless, I am useless, I am lazy, I am irresponsible, I don't know what I'm talking about, nobody cares about my opinion, I don't matter, I don't belong, you can't do it this way, I don't deserve..... it gets to you, whether you want to admit it or not. It probably is the reason why I don't think I can accomplish what I want to - I won't be able to do it, I won't do it right, who cares, why does it matter anyway? That it makes the other problems all the more powerful and gives the negativity full reign over me is just so wrong, but I can't help it. I know that I should be better than that and that I should believe in myself, but it is so easy to say that you want something and then not follow through because you don't think you can do it or you don't think you deserve to get it. What if they were all right and I can't? What if they were all right and I am just stupid and lazy and don't deserve better? What if I do all that work and it doesn't pay off in the end? It's happened. I have had it happen. How many times have I accomplished something I set out to do, only to stop and do nothing else with it once I have it or lose it all because I didn't feel like I deserved it? Fear is so powerful. It permeates you, even when you don't realize it. It colours every decision whether you know it or not. It makes it easier to succumb to all the other things, like the procrastination, like the laziness, like looking for the easy way, like making excuses. 

I like to tell people that I have an internal locus of self-esteem. I get my feeling of worth and confidence from inside myself. Other people aren't going to affect me. How much of that is reality and how much is me trying to convince myself because it's what I want? I am finding out more and more that other people influence my sense of self-worth way more than I like to admit. I think it goes back to that fear of rejection and fear of failure. I don't want to feel like a failure because someone else says I am, but how else do you measure success or failure? Sometimes having someone else look in from the outside and weigh in is the only way to know for sure if something is done right. I like to think I don't mind opinions, but criticism and negativity bother me way more than I like. Maybe I'm not so internal. Other people's opinions have a much bigger effect than they probably should. Once I feel a sense of failure or negativity or criticism from outside, it does get to me and I tend to internalize a lot of doubt, a lot of defeat and a lot of very depressed thoughts and feelings. Self doubt is horrible! It hurts so much and it is so hard to overcome without a positive support person on the outside to help work through it and restore self-esteem and confidence. Sometimes you need to be told, "Yes, you can do it! I believe in you, so there's no reason why you can't believe in you, too." When all you hear is, "No, you can't do anything right. You can't do it, you don't deserve it...", you really feel hopeless and start doubting yourself at some point and thinking that because they're saying it so much, it must be true, even if you thought you were doing fine yourself. Trying to please every other person is impossible. Trying to please yourself is hard. 

It also makes it quite difficult to put yourself out there in order to find that positive support person you need so much. If you are so afraid of being rejected and being labeled a failure, you aren't really going to want to set out to face it intentionally in order to find that one person that won't do it.  If you're lucky, that person comes to you, but there's a very good chance it won't happen that way. You have to open up to find what's out there, the good and the bad. It is so much easier to hide away and not face the world, but so much more hurtful. You lose so much in the process. 

Problem #7: Fear. Solution: Find a positive support and get some self-affirmation going. Find something you know you're good at it and hold on to it with everything you have when you get bombarded with a sense of failure. I am good at something and I will learn how to do this, too! It's not going to solve itself. It is going to require facing the fears, facing the doubts and making some changes to counter them. It is going to be hard, but it is going to be the best thing I can do for me.

It is going to be very difficult to undo what I have done in the name of self-protection. I let my fears and my limitations get to me. I have let other people that don't understand me get to me. I forgot to let God help me. I keep asking for His help, but I keep shutting even Him out when He tries to answer. The hardest thing I have ever had to face is putting myself back out there to face the hurt and rejection in order to find the support. It is HARD! Unfortunately, I cannot keep hiding away and avoiding things and people or putting things off because I am scared. I have to face it and do it. However, I can do it one baby step at a time. I don't have to be overwhelmed by trying to do it all at once without knowing what it is I have to do. It is time to start evaluating and prioritizing, then start making the steps and focusing on them. Finish the first one, move on to the second, repeat as necessary (some just don't go away if you do them once! You have to do them again.) Just don't stop and don't go back. Keep moving, even if it is only one step at a time. All journeys start with one first step, right?

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I know I have made some promises and goals that I want to attain. There is one catch - saying you're going to do something, even wanting to do it, are much different than actually doing them. It is not about laziness and procrastination (at least not all of the time); sometimes, it is about trying to figure out how to do it. 

I have the best of intentions with my goals. I want to stop procrastinating and pushing people away, and I want to actually use my talents instead of letting them go to waste. But how do I go about fulfilling those goals?

It has been a big struggle the last couple of years trying to fulfill any of my goals. It's been a one or two step forward, two steps back kind of life. Every time I manage to set a goal, big or small, and start out trying to accomplish it, I either fall down or get pushed backward. I do it myself; I let others do it for me. Either way, I don't get very far. I end up trying over and over again to accomplish the exact same goals, with very little success.

To my credit, there are some goals I have made progress on. I may not have accomplished what I set out to - yet - but I have made progress. I keep saying that progress is good; after all, it is better than nothing at all, or worse yet, going backward. But why am I settling for progress instead of accomplishment? (Or maybe I'm not settling after all if it is still bothering me?) The how is the part that causes the procrastination, that causes the lack of progress, that causes the failure to see what progress has been made, or hasn't been made. So now, it is time to figure out the how and do more than make progress!

As I start this new year of my life, and a new week, I make myself a new promise: Progress is good, but it is not going to be good enough. From now on, I am not going to accept merely progress, but will work harder to gain accomplishment. No more procrastinating just for the sake of procrastinating, no more accepting less than what I set out to accomplish. No more excuses! It is time to stop the talk and do the walk. I need to accept that accomplishing my goals will take a lot of work on my part and stop allowing myself to see progress and think it will take care of itself from there. Nothing gets done unless the work continues. Nothing gets done without consistent and continuing effort. 

For me, it means no more coming up with "reasons" (read as: excuses) not to do the work. No more thinking it will get easier if I wait it out. No more putting off the work until later. No more deciding it's not worth the effort it will require. No more. Do the work now! It will pay off a lot faster and there will be a lot less steps back to where I came from and where I want to get out of instead of letting it suck me back in because the work is "too much". It means sitting down and making an action plan so that I know what I have accomplished and what I haven't, what I want to still accomplish and what could stand to be changed. It means making a road map of where I want to go so that I know how to get there. It means doing the research and figuring out the how instead of just expecting the answers to come to me.

Now is the time to figure it out, not later!

Reminder to myself: It won't change or get better unless or until I make an action plan and follow through. Make the ultimate goal, set up the steps, do the work! Do it today, not tomorrow! It will not do itself. You can't accomplish a goal if you don't know how, and you won't know how unless you map it out and do the work.

No Man Is An Island

As I continue to think about the talents I've hidden away, I've also been thinking about the people I've hidden away. As much as I complain about not having anyone to lean on and no friends to rely on, I know that it wouldn't be true if I would stop making it true.

I have had many issues over the years of complaining that I don't have anyone. Except that I could have, if I hadn't pushed them all away.

Granted, I haven't pushed them all away myself, but I did let it happen. Some got driven away by other people thinking that it was their place to control my life. Others, I drove away in a misguided attempt to "protect" them so that they didn't go through what the others did. My question to myself now, however, is, Did I do it to protect them, or to protect me?  Have I really tried to protect them from the damage, or did I do it to keep myself to myself and able to do what I wanted (hide) without having to defend myself, because I knew I was the one who was wrong? Was I protecting myself for the right reasons (to avoid the hurt and damage) or for the wrong reason (to be lazy and make sure I didn't have to be accountable for myself and my choices)? 

My next task is to put on my hard hat and my work boots and get busy reconnecting my island to civilization. I want to restore and rebuild old bridges and create some new ones. I need to rebuild my connections to the "real" world and quit isolating myself out of a misguided fear of rejection and a sense of not being accountable because I want to do things my way, which may not be the right way.

Lord,

Please continue to show me the path You want me to take and give me opportunities and reasons to use the talents You gave me. You gave me these talents for a reason, please help me see the reasons and stand by my side to help me get through the path and face my fears. I want to be what You meant me to be. 

Amen

The Parable of the Talents

Today we heard the parable of the talents, in which the Lord gave each of three servants some talents to work with while he was away. Two invested their talents and earned more, while the third hid his in fear and did nothing with it. His talent was taken away and given to the one who had worked the hardest.

I have come recently to realize that I have been the third servant. I have hidden my talents, and myself, from those around me. I have allowed my hurt to overcome me and my distrust of people to make me hide myself away and not show what I am truly made of. I have other people decide my worth and how important I am. I have let them have me believe that I do not count, my feelings do not count and no one cares about my feelings, my opinions, my talents or my worth.

Whether I have been hiding for self-protection or for some misguided attempt at protecting others, I have been hiding. I have been hurt by so many people in the past, that it has been my habit of taking the easy road and  just hiding from them in order to not get hurt. If I'm not there, they have nothing to criticize or hurt. They can find another target. It hasn't worked. It has just given them another reason to use hurtful words and actions and then just leave me behind. It's no wonder I have always felt on the outside looking in, I have put myself there and then blamed others for it! 

The misguided attempt to protect others from the damaging train wreck of my life hasn't worked either. It's just another excuse to hide myself and not open myself up. I drive them away so that I don't have to worry about when I will be hurt. Pretty selfish of me. And pretty hurtful to them. I keep wondering why I have no close friends, but it's because of me. Such a harsh realization to come to.

The problem with realization is that it is not action. To see what is wrong is one thing; to fix it is another matter altogether. I must somehow bring myself to overcome my doubts and my distrust and use the talents that the Lord gave me to do something in this world.

I once made a mistake of assuming I knew what I wanted and that God would go along with me. I have since learned that my ego got the best of me. The Lord has decided he was waited long enough to show me my errors in a way I could no longer ignore. He has been so patient with me, and I think it is high time I finally gave Him my attention and quit putting off what I have known for a long time He has been asking me to do. I need to finally deal with the hurt and the anger and move on down the path He has chosen to show me. I have asked for His help and His support as I finally go down the path He has shown me and try to reach the destination He wants me to reach. I have asked for the courage to travel down the path and the help and support to get through the obstacles that will be in my way. I have always had my faith, it is high time I put it to use and found out what the Lord has in store for me.

I have felt so lost for so long, it is about time I finally asked the Man in Charge for directions to where I am supposed to go. Now, can I follow them?

My goal for this week: find one new way to share my talents. It's what God wants of me.